My piano playing.
My theory teaching.
I know that most of it’s in my head. And I knew, getting back into this game, that it would take some time to get back to where I was.
But I feel subpar. So very mediocre. In all the areas in which I had previously thrived. In an environment where everyone remembers me thriving. I’m doing some serious playing this Friday/Saturday (for additional pay, no less) and I’m scared fucking shitless that I’m going to blow it and the jig will be up.
This is different than Impostor Syndrome. I know where I was before and where I am now, and while I’m sure the noticeable difference is infinitesimal it feels like an elephant standing on my chest.
The running thing is just the icing on the cake.
- Teaching and loving it. I don’t care that theory’s not my favorite. I know my shit, and I love my students so far. And have I mentioned my old piano prof is sitting in (WAT)?
- Article editing. Deadline in less than a month. DOUBLE WAT.
- Getting our new piano, Fanny, settled in. She’s a bit idiosyncratic, but so are her folks, so. Enormously happy to have an instrument again.
- Gymming. But. Boring gymming. So no workout posts. I did get Twizzlers on the way home after today’s strength session, so I’m pretty sure I’m back on track to be named Fitblr of the Year.
- Minor league baseball watching. How do beers drunk outside always taste EIGHT MILLION TIMES BETTER?
- Online first aid/CPR learning for Girls on the Run. Oh yeah, did I mention I’m going to coach? BECAUSE I AM. Training is all day Sunday and WE WE WE SO EXCITED.
- Furniture rehabbing. I am so so so so so tired of working on this dining set. I feel fairly certain it will be worth it, but jfc if I never see another power sander or half gallon of polyurethane it will be TOO SOON.
- Thinking about races. Because I am in a serious fitness rut and really need another goal to strive for. But I’m mega loathing running in SC and have no idea what race I’d want to do. So.
- Having my grapes stolen by this weirdo. I don’t know what her deal is, but she LOVES certain fruits like cherries and grapes, and though I don’t think they have much of a smell from far away, Tildy ALWAYS KNOWS. She was asleep on the couch when I came in and silently set down the bowl, leaving the room for five seconds to get my computer. This blind kitty has fruit-thieving ninja SKILLZ.
Course prepping and zucchini butter and painting and finally starting to watch The Sopranos and finding out the old piano prof you worshipped is auditing the one class you’ve never taught and date nights with your person and getting wood stain all over your hands and getting bitten to high heaven by mosquitos.
And spending an inordinate amount of time anxious and worrying, but let’s focus on the good things, eh?
(-) I am a bundle of stress and anxiety lately—house issues, money issues, body image issues—that I just can’t seem to snap out of, hence my protracted absence from Tumblr. Sorry, guys. I’ve just been down on myself lately and that makes it impossible to log in and see everyone else kicking ass. It’s juvenile and it’s petty but it is what it is. Classes start in a week and I’m hoping against hope that some order will give me some semblance of purpose.
(+) We bought a car yesterday, since mine gave up the ghost long before we left Bloomington. It’s a bright blue Prius-C and I’m goddamn in love with it. Oh and her name is Leslie Knope.
(+/-) I just can’t get a handle on my eating and boozing lately, and I tried on work clothes the other day and—HOORAY—nothing fits. But I’ve been mindful so far this week. And I drove Leslie over to the university gym today and did my DIY trekking workout for about 50 minutes. Baby steps. Once my semester schedule is firmer I can figure out a time to work out nearly every day. The biggest battle right now is trying not to feel like a failure.
(+/-) Michael’s family is a year+ deep in cleaning out his deceased (hoarder) (no really) grandfather’s house and asked us if we’d like some things. We went by to pick up some bookcases, and I also fell in love with his dining set. It was in SRS need of help—lots of scuffing, scratching, and water damage—but it’s that beautiful midcentury style that is my absolute favorite. I’ve been at work for countless hours already with a power sander, which is the shitting most tedious work I can think of. I’m almost finished with the first overall sanding, then I need to repair the larger water damaged sections, sand (medium), sand again (fine), tack cloth that shit, stain, poly, and then figure out the material to reupholster the chairs (the wood is in good shape, thank FSM). It’s been a monotonous project but I know I’m going to be so happy when I’m done. We’ll not only have a dining set (we’ve got one on loan that is decidedly not our style), but a really nice one that we never could have afforded otherwise. Sweat equity is nearly always worth it.
(+) I finally finished my “misandry” pillow. Now to pack it up and ship it off as a housewarming present.
(-) School starts soon. Scurred. Teaching a class I’ve never taught before. Meep.
I jest. But only sort of. Because basically Michael and I work on the house every shitting day and we’re goddamn tired of it. And every time we think we’re done running into bumps and quirks (like Ol’ Sparky, the old washing machine electrical cord in the bedroom closet that showers you with sparks if you move it) there’s another one, like discovering that your basement will take on four inches of water if it rains too hard. That was last night around midnight. Fun times! All the time! Never stops! Home ownership is exhausting, y’all. AND WE DON’T EVEN OWN A HOME.
I got up this morning with the intent to go to the gym. Michael drove me on his way to the grocery store, at which point I realized they aren’t open on Sundays. Oops. So he drove me back and I ate granola, drank coffee, and watched Portlandia on Netflix. (For the record, that is always > gym. And that’s why I’m a bad fitblr).
And then I spent the rest of the day internetting, photoshopping, and providing moral support for Michael. Can we take a moment to talk about what a champ he is? He basically stripped this entire bathroom of two layers of wallpaper and (at least) two layers of paint on his own.
So it’s basically a disaster area right now, and the next step is to make sure all the adhesive is removed, spackle to smooth out rough edges (old paint on plaster, y’all. It’s a bitch), and sand, sand, sand. We’re going to have to remove the molding to paint because the wallpaper starts beneath it (…) so that’s going to be fun. Basically working on this house is killing my love of old, quirky houses KTHX.
Anyway, once that was finished, I set out for a run. Like, outside and everything. INORITE. I finally found a path with sidewalks and where I felt like I actually could safely run. And the upswing of last night’s flash flooding was that the temps stayed in the 70s all day, so I was able to go out around 4:30.
And it was…difficult. I made a 3-mile loop and ran 2.5 of that, with stops for traffic lights. South Carolina humidity, you guys…jfc. I know I basically grew up in this area of the country but I never ran when I lived here, and essentially avoided the great outdoors from the months of May to October. And the humidity just drained me today. I’d planned to go for four miles, which would have taken me out to the city park, but I made the right call not to be a hero. Another time, likely when summer has fucked off.
But one of neighbors planted a bamboo forest in front of his/her house, so that’s cool, right?
And now we cook, eat, drink, and watch Parks and Rec. So say we all.